I've been keeping busy with bookfairs for the last few weeks. The Easter sales rush is over, and so should my 70+ hour weeks (until the Christmas rush starting in late October). I should have 40 hour weeks for the most part from now until mid-June.
I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I was hoping to find something that would allow me to be home with the family more, but I am grateful for the work that I do have. It is work that I am familiar with (no training required, just some minor adjustments to accomodate the way Rick runs his fairs), and the hours that I am used to running (it's nice to be paid for the time away from the family instead of hoping to break even at the end of the day after putting in those same hours). In the off months I'm going to work on establishing a handyman business. Doing odd jobs when I have time (whether remodeling, repairs, property improvements, light construction, or even mowing lawns) will help to keep bills paid during the slow bookfair time, and each job that I do will be another reference that I can have for my portfolio. Maybe after a year or so of doing jobs during the off-time (gaining local references and building up my inventory of tools), I can start advertising and working on going full-scale with my own business.
Having the regular job, even though it may be added family stress because of the long hours right now, will allow us to be chipping away at some of the debts that we owe. The extra time I have during the summer will allow me to start the pursuit of a career that is satisfying to me. I don't mind the bookfairs, and Rick is great to work with. But as I've been saying for the last three or four years, it is not really fulfulling work for me. I like working with my hands, applying my efforts toward something constructive. I enjoy looking at what I've done over the course of a day or week and seeing a job well done. I don't really get that with bookfairs (at the end of the day, I see a room that is exactly the same way that I found it at the beginning of the day). I've pretty much stopped throwing my résumé out to CareerBuilder, Monster, and HotJobs listings. The only interest that I was getting from those venues were from companies that found me (not companies that I submitted applications to) that I would not want to work for, for some reason or another (I don't want to be an independent insurance salesman, or sell financial products or real estate. And I don't want to work for any company with a questionable reputation. But those seem to be the only companies that are looking to hire former independent contractors/entrepreneurs).
Over the last eight months, I've done a lot of soul searching. It's been neat to see how God speaks to the concerns of my heart through different means at just the times that I need it.
When I was struggling with my self-identity last fall (no one wanted to hire me, and I couldn't even afford to pay for the food that was on the table before us or the roof that is over our heads), our pastor did a multi-week series of sermons on finding our identitiy: in Christ.
So many nights I would lie awake at night, unable to sleep because of things that were running through my head: how to pay off the debt that we owe, what can I do to help counter the direction that our society is moving in, what can I do to be a better husband and father, how can I provide for my family, and the list goes on and on... I came to realize that in the eternal perspective, all that matters is what is done for God. There's no way I can get through the trials of life on my own. All I have today is only by the grace of God. He'll get us through our trials and we'll be able to give him the glory through them and after them. Even since I've come to this realization again (it seems like life keeps coming back to remind me of this every so many years), things have started to fall into place as far as work and finances go. We should be seeing some major headway in this area within the next few months.
Over the last few weeks, I've made a list of things that I would like to do with my time (I won't share that list here, the post is getting long enough). I've decided that I need to make family a priority (the financial debts and economical concerns I won't be taking with me into eternity, but the seeds that I plant in my children's hearts and minds will make an eternal difference in their lives). And I need to make sure that I am meeting all of my wife's needs through everything else that is going on. I am guilty of letting my concerns get caught up on things of the world, temporal things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. With my preoccupations, I have been neglecting many levels of support that Heather needs, and I hope that she finds that I have come to that realization, and she is the top earthly priority in my life. I appreciate everything that she does as a wife and a mother, and don't feel that I deserve her love most of the time (especially lately). I hope that going forward I can show her the love that she deserves from me.
I love you, Heather. You're an incredible woman, a wonderful wife and mother. You are beautiful inside and out. I love your tremendous heart for service and your compassionate spirit. I love to see you growing closer to the Lord through our circumstances. Thanks for hanging in with me through the tough times. Here's looking forward to better times ahead!
